


four times severus made a mistake and the one time he didn't

by evenafterallthistime



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Ending, Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Romantic Friendship, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-08 14:17:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenafterallthistime/pseuds/evenafterallthistime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>His friendship with Lily had always felt too good to be true; there was no doubt in his mind that she was too good for him, in so many different ways, and it was with that knowledge that he had learned to dread the inevitable day she would sever their friendship when she realized it too. It is the perfect irony that, in his fear and expectation, he did it first.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	four times severus made a mistake and the one time he didn't

__

_1._  
  
  
Severus calls her  _t_ _hat word_  and he knows the second it comes out of his mouth that it’s the worst thing he has ever done. It sticks on his tongue long after it is said, a poison, deadly and disgraceful.  
  
And she does not forgive him for it. And, even when his heart begins the slow process of sinking in misery when she looks back at him and declines his apology, he does not blame her in the slightest.  
  
The worst part is that she doesn’t even seem to be angry, but just resigned and sad, her green eyes almost soft as she turns away.  
  
“Lily, I— " He cuts himself off abruptly. The damage is already done.  
  
She disappears back into the portrait hole without another word.  
  
 _I’m so sorry, Lily, please understand that. I didn’t mean what I said. You’re my only true friend. Please, I’m sorry, Lily._  
  
The door swings shut. The Fat Lady glares down at him.  
  
 _I love you._  
  
He turns and walks away, feels his chest tighten in despair.  
  
His friendship with Lily had always felt too good to be true; there was no doubt in his mind that she was too good for  _him_ , in so many different ways, and it was with that knowledge that he had learned to dread the inevitable day she would sever their friendship when she realized it too.  
  
It is the perfect irony that, in his fear and expectation, he did it first.  
  
  
 _2._  
  
The flash of red around a bookshelf to his left catches his eye and he feels his fingers clench around his Potions textbook, waits to see it again. He would know that color anywhere.  
  
“James, stop.” Lily giggles, her voice a playful whisper, stumbling slightly back from James’ wandering hand at her hip. James moves with her, grinning, teasing. “Madam Pince will throw a fit and kick us out.”  
  
James shrugs but Lily is serious and he seems to sense this, relenting, putting his hands up in defeat. “All right, all right.”  
  
Severus tries not to stare but can’t help it; like the day they met, she has captivated him, and the last thing he wants is for her to catch him looking but she does, almost like she can merely sense that he is there, eyes accidentally locking with his as she whips her head around.  
  
He feels his face flush and hastily looks away, stares down at his own handwriting so intently until it’s nearly a blur, illegible.

He waits.

“Come on, James.” Lily says softly after what feels like forever, and he thinks he can detect disappointment in her voice, although it may just be wishful thinking on his part. “We need to study for the NEWTs.”  
  
He feels them move away, feels it is safe to look up again, sights their retreating figures. Neither of them looks back.  
  
James didn’t even try to provoke him, even though Severus knows for sure that James saw him. But James has not done anything to him in front of Lily.  
  
James knows better. Severus smirks bitterly.  
  
The flash of red disappears around another bookshelf and that’s it. His chance to say something,  _anything_  to her is gone, and he knows, even though he doesn’t exactly know how, that this was the last time.  
  
  
 _3._  
  
The last and final time he sees her is the day of graduation. He watches as she and James embrace, lips together in a celebratory kiss, her hands holding his face. When they pull away she grins so broadly that he is nearly blinded by it.  
  
She looks so very happy. He looks away.  
  
That evening, he joins the Death Eaters because it’s all he’s got left and they’re the only ones that will accept him.  
  
He is the newest member to their ranks, and he waits in Malfoy Manor to meet the Dark Lord for the first time, to finally put a face to the name.  
  
Lucius opens the door across from him and steps out, nods at Severus:  _he is ready_ . Severus gets up and approaches him.  
  
As he’s about to step through the door, Lucius puts a hand on his shoulder, like an approving older brother. “It will be the best decision of your life, Severus.”  
  
Severus enters and the Dark Lord studies him, long, pale fingers wrapped around the wand in his hands, his eyes having an odd, almost bloodied look, his face waxy.  
  
“Severus Snape.” The Dark Lord’s thin lips curl in a smile in contrast to his cold, calculating eyes. “Lucius tells me you would like to become a Death Eater. A very wise choice, but not without a price.”  
  
Severus tries as hard as he can to not look away, for he’s been told the Dark Lord does not like that; the wizard’s eyes bore into his, almost as if reading his mind.  
  
“Before you can join us, you must prove yourself, prove that you only have loyalty to me and me alone. I will be your master now.”  
  
The Dark Lord raises his wand slightly, a warning.  
  
“Would you be willing to do anything for me, Severus?”  
  
Green eyes flash in Severus’s mind, sad and hurt.  
  
“Yes,” He says, and braces himself.  
  
  
 _4._  
  
When Lily is murdered, when the world for him as he knows it has ended, when he has sold his soul in repentance, he goes back to the playground at Spinner’s End.  
  
He sits down on the swing, nearly too big for it now, and stares up at the darkening evening sky.  
  
A breeze scatters leaves across the neglected playground.  
  
His heart feels as if it is encased in ice; he wraps his numb fingers around the chains of the swing.  
  
 _“You’re my best friend, you know,” He says, like the words have been wrenched from him, and when she looks over at him heat spreads to his face in embarrassment._  
  
 _Lily slows to a stop on the swing next to him and peers at him. “Really?”_  
  
 _He meets her gaze and nods, sheepish._  
  
 _“Your very best friend?”_  
  
 _“My **only**  best friend.” This admission adds to his embarrassment and he fears that she may pity him._  
  
 _Lily smiles, and even though he’s only known her for a year, it still takes his breath away, makes the air thick around him. “That’s very nice, Sev.”_  
  
 _He smiles back, relieved, it trembling at the edges._  
  
 _Lily laughs suddenly, a shout in the empty playground. “If only I was a boy, though, right? Having a girl as your best friend might be annoying sometimes.”_  
  
 _He shakes his head, completely honest. “No. It’s not.”_  
  
 _Lily ducks her head, flattered. He reaches out and holds her hand, and the playground remains empty, empty except for them, and her fingers are enclosed around his, her pulse a gentle beat against his own._  
  
He stands up, points his wand at the swing, and sets it ablaze, watching as it burns to a crisp, destroyed.  
  
  
 _5._  
  
“These NEWTs are going to be the death of me,” Lily declares, certain, dropping her Arithmancy notes to her lap and pushing a strand of her dark red hair back in exasperation.  
  
He manages not to roll his eyes, secretly amused. “You’ll do amazing, Lily, as you always do.”  
  
She glances at him, lips quirked, feet dangling in the lake. “ _You_  will. I’ll forget everything I studied the moment I sit the exams and have to take the year over.”  
  
“Well, that’d be a shame,” He says in mock sincerity. “I wouldn’t be able to see you until the Christmas and summer holidays.”  
  
She swats him on the shoulder with her notes. He smiles and grabs ahold of her hand.  
  
“Trust me, Lily. You will blow everyone away with your marks. I’m not worried about you at all.”  
  
The shouts of Mulciber and Avery echo across the grounds behind them, no doubt bullying someone outside of their House. Severus cringes inside but knows there’s nothing he can really do.  
  
They had asked him if he wanted to join the Death Eaters after graduation.  _It will be the best decision of your life_ , they said. He had turned them down and felt an immense burden slide off his back when he did.  
  
He feels Lily’s breath on him and looks around at her instinctively, his lips meeting hers.  
  
It’s a messy, awkward kiss, her lips more to the left, to the side of his mouth, meant for his cheek.  
  
He pulls back, startled and embarrassed,  _oh sorry_ rising up his throat, but she just looks at him, a peculiar look in her eyes. She brings her fingers to her lips.  
  
They stare at each other and he feels the words threatening to spill over his lips, feels, for some inexplicable reason, that this may be the only moment to say it, that it’s the absolute  _right_  moment— _I love you, Lily, I’ve always loved you_ —but she must have seen something in his face because she just grins and tucks back a strand of his black hair that blows into his face from the breeze.  
  
The sun shines brightly over the both of them, transforming her hair into the deepest, vibrant red, her green eyes warm and understanding, and he thinks, no,  _knows_ that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen—  
  
She puts her hand over his, their fingers interlocking easily, soft and familiar, and leans closer to him, their shoulders brushing, their notes lying forgotten on the ground beside them, and he can breathe again. 


End file.
